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 taffsayswhat's Cancer BlogOctober 27, 2008It’s been a while since I last posted here, sorry about that. I would love to say there have been major changes in my life, but the truth is things are the same except for everything that happens in the lives of the people surrounding me. I, too, was so saddened to read the news about Gemma. It also makes me angry, it makes me think of my own mortality. Her passing brought up so many feelings I had probably been holding back. I’ve only been around since July, but in that short amount of time she made an impact in my life, as I know she did in the lives of others. She will be truly missed. Thinking of my own mortality freaks me out, yet I see so many people who are at peace with the fact that soon they could die. My girlfriend freaked out when I told her I might start writing my own Bucket List. She understands it, but I suppose it makes her sad that I have my own death so present. One of the things I loved about Gem is the way she worried about those around her more than for herself. It is one thing I could always relate to, because what scares me the most of dying is knowing how horrible it will be for my loved ones. But, on the other hand, I am also very scared. I am scared about what is going to happen to me when I die. I am scared that my family will have a hard time coping. At the same time, I am scared to be completely forgotten. Am I just one more person that will die and eventually people won’t remember existed? I suppose I can’t ask for much at my age. All these death thoughts seem to be controlling my life in a way. For example, I’ve never had a pet and I would love to adopt a dog. But then I wonder, should I adopt a dog just to let the poor thing get depressed after I die? Chances are he/she will outlive me. My girlfriend says (and I know she’s right, although she might also say this so I forget about the Bucket List idea) I can’t let death take control over my life. Lately that sounds so much easier said than done.
August 17, 2008Thank you everyone for your lovely comments. Joyce, Sherri, Jill, Sharon, Paul, Gaile and Naunie. You lot are just fantastic and make me even more glad to be here. I always try to keep a positive attitude, but every now and again I get days like today when I just feel like giving up. I’m so tired in every possible way. I start thinking ‘what’s the use’. What’s the use to go through the side effects of chemotherapy if I’ll eventually just die anyway? What’s the use if I’ll never marry the girl of my dreams and we’ll never have children. I will miss so many Christmas days with my family, so many birthdays of my loved ones, so many new movies and songs, so many historic happenings, my little sister getting married and me eventually becoming an uncle. The worst part, I think, even more so than missing all of those things, is leaving behind the people I love. Perhaps it would be easier if I were alone, but then again not. I sit here and watch the Olympics, doing nothing more but wonder if I’ll make it to London 2012, something I would love since it would be so nearby. It feels funny that after being praised for being so positive I end up making an entry such as this one. Sorry about that. I hate the roller coaster feel of cancer. so down one day and up the next. I just crave stability . That’s true. Their are time that we want to give up with all the side effects of the treatment that we have gone through. But if we only just focus on the good memories to be with our family and love ones it keeps us going on fighting this deadly disease. Always be positive all the time and ask help from our creator and with him nothing is impossible! You can make it Recalling those times that I’ve been alone in this country it’s really depressing but i always visualize the good things that i could still do for myself and be with my family. Thanks god I’m much better now and I’m on my 4th yr. with my hormonal therapy taking tamoxifin and 1 more yr. to go and I’m done. Don’t give up!Never, never , never, ok? Always keep the big smile on your face. You need to LIVESTRONG and marry the girl of your dreams and for sure you can make it at the 2012 olympics. We’re always here for you. Keep going like an energizer do. It won’t take you that long just keep on fighting and you really can make it. Hugs and kisses from me and some of your supporters. Your are welcome. I know that each one of us feel that way at one time or another. We are here to love and support,the good times, not so good time. So vent cry or laugh. We are here for you. Hug Sherri I know by now, you are probably feeling “up” again. Just know it’s okay and expected for all of us to have our “down” days. Live for eacy day and keep the faith——you never know what new stuff they are going to come up with that can ease your pain and make you more comfortable. I’m being treated with medicine that wasn’t even on the market two years ago….. This was so much harder before I found this sight and realized that I was not alone in my massive mood swings and un-explained onset depression. I hope you are on an upswing. I would hope that you would fight through this and be better. Be blessed Taff! You and I have the same kind of crappy cancer, so I know some of the dark places your mind goes. Our statistics are not good. But I have outlived my prognosis and feel pretty smug about it. You were diagnosed not too long after I was, so I believe that you are doing okay too. This is the place to vent and let out your fears, feelings, and frustration. We will never judge you and will always understand and support you. I have done a great deal of whining in this site and have received nothing but love in return. Whatever you are feeling right now is okay to feel, it is honest and takes you to the next level. Just be you, it is a pretty great thing to be. You are in my prayers, Well looks like UK has done a lot better than Canada as far as medals go and yes these have been amazing records and feats. My husband swears there is cheating in the judging and I think he might be right but after all that is part of its history. So sorry to hear you are feeling blue and wondering about your future. Those days come and thankfully they go, if we are up to the challenge. Sometimes I think the words “fight cancer” has mostly to do with attitude, the ability to pick up say f@@@ it and just live the best way we can for as long as we can. That’s my impression anyway about how to beat it. There is no cure so let’s be honest. Your feelings are real and most likely need to be said out loud. Somehow it means more to express them, write them and believe what they mean. That way, the floor is swept clean and now you can start making meals again, and mess up the floor all over again. (obviously that’s meant as an image). I hope there are better days ahead, like tonight for example. More Olympics yahooo. Prayers from Canada. Weezie
July 14, 2008So I recently had some shortness of breath for the past few days, then started coughing up blood and took off to see my doc. I had a CTA done and turns out I’ll have to stay in the hospital for several days due to pulmonary embolism. I’m getting anticoagulant shots now and I’ve also been put off Avastin, probably forever. So Carbo/Taxol rounds from now on. I’m really doing okay though, as usual keeping up my spirits. Laughter is the best medicine… except right now if laughing makes me cough. Some people ask me how can I always be in good spirits. I really don’t know, I’ve always been like that, which of course doesn’t mean I never cry or feel rotten a lot of times, but I think most of the time I feel good. I’d have to thank my family and mates for that, and of course, my girl. I want to thank everyone for their welcome, both here and at the community post. Cheers. I’m glad I decided to join after such a long while, but you lot encouraged me to, whether you know it or not. :) I admire your strength and positive attitude. ;-) I am sorry to hear you are in the hospital. I hope you feel better soon. You are destined to do well my young friend, as a positive attitude, laughter, love, and friends are the key to taming this wild beast run amuck within us. Keep up your spirits it is one thing you can control in this out-of-control situation. Be well! Gaile I hope you are doing a bit better. You are so positive, it is wonderful!
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Thanks for your support -
Hi Taff,
Thanks for sharing with us how your feeling. I think you should post here more often. When I was diagnosed I felt like giving us so many times. Even though I was early stage it was devistating for me. When I was finishing radiation I knew I had to go on with my life somehow. I realized I was more scared to now live then die. I was terrified to not leave a legacy something to be remembered by. I have 3 pets. I adore them and have no kids and love taking care of them. Even before I had cansor I had godparents for my babies. I was traveling lots and we really don’t know when our time is up. I was thinking you should adopt a dog for yourself. Maybe a little older dog. Then find someone who will be your dogs godparent. I think the dog will bring you great joy. I hope my post helps you.
Kathleen
Taff – For one you will never be forgotten. This community will make sure that. For two, you should consider getting a dog. That is what I did when I was diagnosed. I always wanted a dog and went out that first week and got one. Phyllis Angel. I will post some photos that will make you laugh. I must admit it was a lot of work the first few months and I had a hard time adjusting to taking care of something, but I love her to pieces and spoil her rotten. She is my baby.
Good Morning Taff,
I totally get what you are saying about having to face your own mortality. I think that is something we all have in common.
It’s hard to believe that Gemma is no longer with us. Like you, I am saddened & angry. It just isn’t right. She was just a year or so older than my son. She didn’t get to fulfill her dream of becoming a wife & mother…that saddens me. She spoke of also wanting to become a teacher. That is one thing we all know for sure that she accomplished. She taught all of us so much. She will never be forgotten & neither will you, my friend!
A dog is a wonderful idea. My pug (Maddie) was just a year old when I was diagnosed. She has not left my side for a minute. I call her my therapy puppy. I swear she looks at me like she knows exactly what I am going through & what I am feeling. Go for it, Taff! The love you have to give will come back double fold with your four legged furry friend.
Have a beautiful day!
Monica
Hi there it was nice to hear from you. Yes we all know that some day we will leave this earth. Some earlier then others. We love and support those that are fighting the Cancer, those that have won the battle. Love and remember those that have gone before us.
LOVE SherriGet a dog, fly a kite run naked through the afternoon rain. Cancer is horrible on one hand and the greatest gift ever on the other. We become complacent about time. We fritter away years collecting stuff and paying for a place to store it. In the end we have a house of stuff and little else. Cancer allows you a window of time to appreciate what matters. Collect little and live big. Do whatever makes you happy, love laugh and live.
Don’t waste another minute worrying (advise that is easier to give than take, trust me, smile). Live large and rejoice in the day.
Mac
Taff, you will always be remembered. All of us are living with uncertainty. With me all the while i thought I’m done with my breast cancer and all of a sudden they have seen a tumor on my ovary and might need a surgery so I’m going to the hospital tomorrow to see my GYN. With Gemma she really inspire us all for being so strong. We all need to live one day at a time and keep fighting as long as we can.
Taff,
You are so right. Gemma was an amazing young lady and she touched everyone’s heart probably much more than she ever knew.
I can understand your anger and your being scared. I am a christian and I know I am going to heaven when I die but I still feel scared at times. I want to live as long as possible. I feel guilty at times when someone much younger than me dies because I have been blessed to live for 67 years. I lost my only son at the age of 39 in 2003 from an instant heart attack and my best friend at the age of 16 in 1957 from complications of polio. I can’t help but wonder why they had to die instead of me but I will probably never know the answer to that.
All any of us can do is just live one day at a time and make good memories with the people we love so they will have those memories to carry them through the rough times.
By all means, get a dog. I got my Boston Terrier, Trixie, for Christmas in 1993. I learned of my first cancer in January, 1994. Trixie weighed just 3.4 lbs. She lay on the couch with me behind my knees all through the chemo for the next 6 months just as still and quiet as if to say “I will take care of you”. I fell hopelessly in love with her. She died in May 2006 at the age of 12 1/2. I wouldn’t trade those years with my beloved Trixie for all the money in the world.
I am sorry I wrote so much. I got carried away, I guess….lol.
My love, thoughts and prayers will be with you each and every day, my friend.
Hugs, Joyce In NC
Dear Taff,
I think it’s unanimous…you need to go out and get a dog. Not only will you be bringing love to a being who needs it, but it will do the same for you. Everyone with a pet, no matter what their health status, is at risk for dying and leaving their pet behind. So you make a plan for who will take your dog if you do die, then you go to the park, throw a stick for your dog until s/he can take no more, and enjoy your life! Don’t let the fear of death cause you to die before you die. LIVE NOW! That’s good advice for everyone, cancer or not. I look forward to seeing pictures of your new dog!
Peace,
Kathy
Taff!
Glad to have you back. Get a dog. I have a dog and three cats. They give me such comfort, unconditional love, and tremendous entertainment. Sometimes you can’t help but laugh at their antics, no matter how bad you feel. Very uplifting and good for healing. My Bucket List is my way of laughing at myself and making light of what is happening to me. It has given me a chance to go crazy and do things I always made excuses for not doing. Ridiculous. As Mac says, “live large”. Really have fun and live each day following your heart and desires (just keep it legal!). Let us know how you are doing. We want to hear from you ! Gaile
Dear Taff; So far noone here has poopooed the idea of you getting a lovely doggie to love and be loved back. The idea of getting someone to consent to take care of it if for some reason you can not. That is planning ahead. I don’t have a dog, but 2 kitties, who lay on me whenever I need them to keep me company. I’m sure they know what is going on. I love having an animal around the house. It almost seems unnatural to not have one. Go get a doggie that needs your love, you won’t regret it for one minute. Go and live with open hands and heart.
Weezie